The Panda Bear
by monkeybait
Summary: Tohru, Kyo, and Yuki come home to find a panda bear in their kitchen! What series of unfortunate events will this cause? Drama just because.


Kyo, Yuki and Tohru were walking home from school. They had a huge test coming up, so Tohru was freaking out.

"I don't have time for studying! I have work! But I have to study! Panic, panic, panic, panic-" Tohru said, going into hyperventilation mode.

"Don't worry, I'll help you study," Yuki offered.

"Does anyone hear something?" Kyo asked.

They had just approached the house, when they heard a munching noise, like some fat creature was stuffing their face. They peered in the doorway.

"OH MY GOSH!" Tohru and Kyo screamed. Yuki gasped.

In their kitchen was a panda bear. It was sitting on the table and had overturned their fridge and was eating all the delicious smiley face onigiri that Tohru made. When they came in, it stared at them for a second, than continued to gorge itself.

"Oh, wow! A panda bear. He's so cute!" Tohru walked up to it. "Hello, panda bear-san! My name is Tohru!"

Kyo sighed. "Why is she always so polite to animals? They have no idea what she's saying!"

"I'm going to call a zoo-"

"NO!" shouted Tohru. Yuki dropped the phone in shock. He had never heard Tohru scream "no" before. Um, except like everyday.

"Nice going, loser. You broke the phone," Kyo said plainly.

"Um, sorry, but you can't, Yuki!" Tohru exclaimed. "Pandas are endangered! We have to let it stay in the wild! Please, please don't call anyone to take it away!"

"Well… okay…" Yuki put down the now broken phone. Kyo growled.

"Great. Now that it ate everything in the house, it fell asleep on the table!" Kyo kicked it. "Hey, stupid oaf! Get up!"  
The panda opened its eyes and smacked its hefty arm around.

It smacked Yuki upside the head.

"Yuki! Are you okay! SPEAK TO ME!" Tohru cried.

"Hmm… I think I like this panda…" Kyo thought outloud. Yuki sat up, smiling very wide.

"Hi," said Yuki. "Who are you? Where am I? Who's he? Why does my head hurt?"

"Hello, I'm Tohru, your at your house, that's Kyo and your head hurts because a panda smacked you upside the head," Tohru said plainly. Then it dawned on her. "YUKI! You have amnesia!"

"Who's Yuki?" Yuki asked. He poked the phone and it made a noise. "Eek! It barked at me!"

"No. That's a phone." Tohru panicked. "Kyo, what should we do?"

"Why do anything?" Kyo growled. "It's not MY problem. What IS my problem is getting this panda bear out of my kitchen!"

"You smell like food," said Yuki, leaning in on Tohru suddenly. Tohru squealed with surprise.

"Go away! Nobody likes you!" Kyo yelled.

"Nobody? Who's Nobody? This Nobody guy doesn't sound very nice." Yuki pouted and folded his arms like a seven-year-old who just dropped his ice cream in wet cement and then a dog peed on it and a steamroller rolled over it. "Hey? Are you nice?"

"No. I'm Nobody." Kyo grinned as Yuki started to cry. "And your name is Oswald and everybody thinks you're ugly. And you're not allowed to breathe."

"Kyo… that's terrible…" Tohru said, her eyes looking shiny.

"I'm not allowed to breathe?" Yuki reiterated, looking as upset as Tohru.

"Uh… no. And you're not allowed to eat or drink… or brush your hair." Kyo grinned. He wanted to completely destroy Yuki.

"No, no! That's not true! You're allowed to breathe! And eat and drink and brush your hair!" Tohru said.

Yuki looked between them. "Who am I supposed to believe?"

"ME!" they both said at the same time.

"Kyo, we can't do this to him. He'll die," said Tohru, trying to sway him over with her small ounce of girly charm. She tried to flip her hair, but she whacked him in the face with her head and broke his nose.

"OW!" Kyo started swearing without stopping. Tohru started crying. Yuki sat on the floor and sang a song about a baby whale, probably something he learned in kindergarten. Then Kyo's nose stopped bleeding and he apologized, so Tohru stopped crying enough to call the hospital. Kyo stared at Yuki.

"Dude. You're singing about a whale," Kyo stated plainly.

"Yup."

"Did I turn you into a little kid or something?" Kyo asked.

"I'm not little!" Yuki shouted. "I must be at least as tall as, um… uh… I'm taller than you are, so there!" Yuki stuck out his arms and turned away.

"Stupid brat." Kyo growled. "Ow. My nose really hurts."  
"I've got an ambulance coming," Tohru said. Kyo swore again. "What? What now?"

"I don't need an ambulance!"

"Well, none of us can drive, so I just thought…"

"CALL HATSUHARU! We're leaving."

"Hatsuharu…?"

"Yeah. He can drive."

Tohru had little question marks bouncing around her head. "But he's only fourteen."

"So?"  
"So he's not supposed to."

"I don't know, some weird government thing…" Tohru looked surprised. "Uh… don't ask. It's a long story."  
"Okay…" Tohru was baffled, but called Hatsuharu anyway.

"Hey, you look like a clown with that thing on your nose!" Yuki said, laughing at Kyo.

"Shut up, brat. Or I might have to take away your TV time or send you to your room or make you eat veggies or something stupid like that." Kyo took a bite of Tohru's yummy food. "Mm… needs more spices."

"Okay!" Tohru went back to her cooking.

"Tohru?" said Yuki, picking up a piece of paper.

"Yes?"

"Um…" Yuki held it up, grinning. "I DREW A MONKEY!"

"Oh, how cute. Let's hang it on the fridge." Tohru hung it up, grinning.

"Tohru, I can't believe you've already… adapted to this new Yuki," Kyo said, looking annoyed as he tried to solve a complex math problem.

"Well, I'm sure we'll get him back to normal in no time," Tohru said optimistically. "In the meantime, we should just treat him like a kid."  
"I love you, Tohru!" Yuki said, giving her a big hug.

"AW! He's SO cute!" Tohru hugged him like she would hug Kisa, even though she had to stand on tiptoe. Yuki changed into a rat.

"AH! I SHRUNK!" Yuki shouted and started crying. Then something dawned on Kyo.

_Whoa… I can totally beat Yuki now! He's so vulnerable! _Kyo grinned insidiously. _This is your chance! Go, Kyo, go! _"Hey, Yuki!"

"Yes- AAAAAAAAH!" Yuki scream as Kyo tried to trap him in a butterfly net. He ran up the stairs, Kyo chasing him. Tohru ran after them.

When she got upstairs, she saw Yuki huddling in the corner of a room. Kyo had the butterfly net on his head. Shigure was sleeping in the doorway.

"So this is where you were all this time!" Kyo said through gritted teeth.

"Wah! Tohru, Kyo scared me!" Yuki whined, weeping.

"Ah, I do so love an eleven-hour nap," said Shigure, yawning. He glanced around. "Did I miss something?"

"There's a panda bear sleeping in our kitchen, Yuki was turned into a little kid, Kyo broke his nose because of me, Hatsuharu can drive and I'm just really…" Tohru couldn't think of the word. "Really…"

"Annoyed?" Kyo offered. "Because I know I am. Today totally, pardon my language, SUCKED."

"Now you say pardon your language? You were just swearing like there was no tomorrow a second ago," Yuki said, angry. He stared at Shigure. "I'm bored. Do something funny."

Shigure blinked. "What happened to him?"

"DO IT! Or I'll pinch you!"

"Eek! No!" Shigure ripped out half of Kyo's hair. Kyo screamed in pain. "See? Isn't that funny?"  
"Yes!" Yuki giggled.

"THAT'S NOT FUNNY!" Kyo screamed again. "I HAVE A BALD SPOT ON THE TOP OF MY HEAD! You think that's funny then I'll shave off your hair!"

"Oh no…" Shigure raced off.

"Okay. I'm really mad now. So you… little brat. Don't talk to me. Don't touch me. Don't even breathe the same air space as me. Because if you do I'm going to punch you so hard in the mouth it'll wake up your dentist." Kyo walked away slowly.

"Wow. You know he's really mad if he doesn't yell at you," Tohru said. But Yuki ran after him.

"Hey, Kyo? What's "annoyed" mean?"  
"YOU ASKED FOR IT RUNT!"

POW!

"Yuki!" Tohru raced downstairs. "Are you okay! I-" Yuki had Kyo in a head lock. "Um… Yuki? The punch changed you back, didn't it?"

"Yes." Yuki sent Kyo through the roof. "And the panda left."

"Oh. Okay!" Tohru grinned. "I'll make dinner."

Thus, another typical day in the life of the Sohmas and Tohru ended…

**But the real question is, do I have a life?  
The answer is no. No I do not. grins  
**


End file.
